Wednesday, February 25, 2009 7:45 PM
finally... this week has been rather hectic. argh.firstly,
it's really hard to let go and put whatever u have faced and regretted behind you. But pple tell u wads de point. let it go. its de past. but its always easier said den done.
how can u put someone u love so much in danger and have no qualms abt it? ever tot how tt felt? no. even if u did de qns is so wad? we are such selfish pple i think. u put the person in danger, pple tell u its not worth it. its practically shifting your responsibilities and consequences to somene u love. have u ever imagine wad kind of guilt that will course through u everytime something triggers it? ever tot about how u betrayed tt person? ever tot how u scared de person? why do i not feel embarrased at it, is coz its true. frankly speaking, i feel so muh guilt and shame abt this. tt i was so selfish. and wad adds to your utmost dismay and uncertainties? the party's nonchalance. he doesnt give a fuck care abt it. maybe he did. but wads de use? sometimes i feel like im not the person i am. and its coz im so ashamed of it. i always say im stronger den this. but how far can i go on? im always not good enough. im so selfish. i cant make decisions. and de guilt is wif me forever. if anything, i'll say it jus made things worse. i go around pretending im de most idiotic bitch coz im so damn strong mentally. where do i stand? no where. there's jus so much anger pent up inside me, along with the guilt and shame that can never be reversed. i keep thinking, do i deserve a second chance? but do i really? no. and no one has. n i dont blame them. coz im too stupid for anything. whatever happened to de tough luck claudia? i dont know. i keep going around acting like im damn happy n i have everyting. truth? i have nothing. i lost the one thing i wanted most and i can nvr gain it back ever again. coz i only had it once.
den again. how can u lose something u nvr really held? that just makes u in a even more drastic position. i dont even know where to begin a new course. i dont know how to pick myself up.
and at times like this, i type and remind myself of wad i really am. and i dont know sometimes. but den at the end of the day i have to replay the words that seethed into my brain ever since a long time ago. "its life. pretencious, fake, illusions. and nothing can be real" and now? i really dont know. and all i can do is hold the hurt in my heart and cry painfully in the inside. i promised no feelings, i broken it. and everytime i look into tt person, i se so much hope. wasted hope. coz its a replacement of something that cant ever be replaced. and u jus keep on pretending like as if u r de luckiest person alive, when u r downright unhappy. is there a word that can describe me right now? hell, yeah. alot.
heartache, sorrow, regret, pain, guilt, anger, frustration, and dissatisfied. with me, with life, with everything.
and more to that, despite all this negative feelings, im sorry. idk if u still read like u used to do. and im sorry. sorry i hurt you. sorry i only said things. sorry for making u confused. sorry for not understanding. im sorry. there are really no more words to offer up. im very sorry.
sorry i had you pay for my past, though u nvr really felt it. sorry i am wad i am. sorry for everything. i dont expect anything from you. really. not even forgiveness. its just to tell you, i'll move on. put on my mask. pretend. and im sorry im like this. so sorry.